Answering children’s questions about their other parent must be the most daunting situation that concerns every new solo parent, especially if the other parent is completely absent from their children’s lives. Thankfully, there’s an art to it and I hope the following guidance would help those who need it and educate those who don’t.
First, relax and answer only what is asked. It’s normal to be anxious because we don’t want to overwhelm our children, especially preschoolers. But taking your anxiety aside, children’s questions usually require very simple answers. My ex and I broke up when our son was 4. A few months after, our son asked where his father was and I told him his location. The child then asked what he was doing there and I answered that he was working. That was the end of that conversation.
As kids grow older, they ask more questions because they also understand better. Don’t panic. Don’t show any form of discomfort. Just answer them factually as usual and ask them to explain what you said in their own words. If they didn’t understand or if you think the answer to their question may be too much for them, look into their eyes and tell them that there are aspects of the answer that they may not understand yet. Promise them that you will answer their question when they get to a certain age. The age will depend on the complexity of the question. It is important to set a definite age to assure the children that their question will be answered. Make sure to fulfill your promise and be ready as they approach that age because surely, your children will follow up with you on this.
When your children are old enough to understand, here are a some do’s and don’ts when you communicate with them about the topic.
DO’s
· Explain to your children that they are loved — by God, by you, by your family and everyone else in their life — so the absence of the other parent should not be a concern.
· Make sure that your children don’t feel weird about it. Just by observing their environment, your children will figure out that having only one parent is not normal. Assure them that they are not weird. Their situation is not ideal but it is also not uncommon. It may help to give examples so they can recognize that some other people they know have only one parent but they’re not weird.
· Explain to the children that what happened between the two of you has nothing to do with them. You and the other parent tried but you are not meant to be together due to your personal differences and you are better off apart.
DON’Ts
· Don’t think that you know how your children feel. Before pouring out your thoughts, ask them to articulate how they feel about their situation and why they feel that way. Do not interrupt. Just let them pour out their thoughts and empathize.
· Don’t allow your children to harbor hate towards the other parent. Nothing good will come out of it. Having only one parent is confusing enough for children. Imagine the burden that hate will do in addition to the confusion of such a young child.
· You don’t need to be a champion for the other parent either. Your role as a parent is to ensure your children obey God’s commandments, including that of honoring our mothers and fathers. To find a balance, observe if your children are keeping ill feelings. Ask them to talk it out then explain to them that holding resentment is not going to solve anything. Convince them to forgive. Of course, you can only do this if you have forgiven the other parent already.
Forgiveness is usually the hardest part of this conundrum. It is HARD to forgive. The good news is forgiveness is a decision and it is within your control. Forgiving someone doesn’t give them a free pass nor justify their actions. What forgiveness does is it frees you from resentment, anger and pain. It is a gift that you give yourself and your children because you deserve to be free and happy. If you’re struggling with this, message me at email.esslin@gmail.com and I will connect you with people who can help. Cheers! ☺️
